This Week: Day One

R: Mommy, I'm Cinderella and you can be the wicked stepmother.

Me: Gee thanks. Do you know what a stepmother is?

R: Yeah, you!

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This week, my quest is to focus on what I have, what I am and what I can do.

Some random thoughts from today:

#1: Riley makes me smile and laugh more than anyone in this world. How did I get so lucky?

#2: Is it fair or right to compare AA with coping with grief? At the very least, I have become very familiar with the mantra: "one day at a time." My husband, the rock, coined the idea of "one hour at a time" when Reese died. Sometimes, I revert back to it but the hours are much easier to bear than they were before. Oh, and I live by the Serenity Prayer.

#3: I read a book recently that asked the question, "Would you accept the mean and nasty questions you ask yourself if they came from an outside source? If not, then stop and swap them immediately for these questions that move you forward."

Interesting challenge.

While I run the marathon of grief, I also wage an inner wrestling match about "why" this happened. What I had control over vs. what was not in my control at all. (As a side note, It's amazing that I still struggle with the baby weight with all these <emotional> workouts I get.)

I am not sure what I would do if someone asked me, "Did you cause your baby's death?" which is exactly the mean and nasty question I continue to ask myself daily. At minimum, I'd never talk to this person again. It's probably more productive for me to think about what I would say to a friend if the situation were reversed. And that would most definitely be, You did not cause your baby to die. Still thinking about the questions that will move me forward. I'll get back to you on that.

#4: There are two things that really calm my heart when it starts to ache unbearably. 

They are: 

a) I cannot lean on my own understanding because it will never, ever give me an answer that I can accept. My knowledge is limited. I have to trust in God with all my heart. There is a reason that she died that I have to accept without knowing. I am tasked to learn from this experience, grow from it and perhaps even make some good from it. Maybe most importantly make some good from it.

b) When I die, I do not want anyone I leave behind to grieve ... for I will be confident that I will see them again. I will be whisked away to a place so sublime in love and joy that I will never want to return. Reese is there now. If she could tell us, she would tell us to move forward. Enjoy life. Have fun. Smile. Laugh. Play. Do good. Love. 

We'll be together again and, next time, it'll be for good.

#5: I am so grateful for my friends (old and new) and my family. I am blessed to know some pretty spectacular people who inspire me to be a better person.

#6: I miss Reese. More than words. That will never change. But missing her doesn't mean I have to live in grief. I'm working on moving forward. One day at a time. She has inspired me more than anyone.