Saturday, August 6, 2011

Living with Great Expectation

Me: "Riley, are you excited? You get to go to Gran Gran's house today!"
Riley: "But, mommy, I don't want to go to Gran Gran's house."
Me: "Really? But she has lots of toys for you to play with ..."
Riley: "Oh wait, I forgot. I like going to Gran Gran's house."
I turn 35 today and I have so many mixed emotions about this, that I am pretty sure I could never truly nutshell it in a blog post.

I am trying really hard these days not to be obsessed with my age. I was never obsessed with it until Reese died. Now, this tick, tick, tick keeps clanging in my head ... driving me nuts. Another worry I am working on throwing your way, God. Your will be done. Your will be done. Your will be done.

In many ways, 35 years have flown by and I have no reason to believe the next 35 (God willing) won't do the same. Perspective can be annoying.

I've written this so many times before but I do feel so blessed in a million ways. I want to take today to remember that. Every time I start to think about what I don't have (namely, a little girl named Reese in my arms), my God gently scolds me to look around at all I do have. It's impossible for me to wallow in self-pity for too long ... even though there are days when that is all I want to do. As my friend Erin wrote recently on her blog, God will fill you if you ask. He's not big on self-pity.

So my prayer for year 36 is that I will remember each day that life is short but beautifully sweet. 

That I will be focused not on what I cannot control, but on what I can. That I will let the rest go. A daily choice I have to make. 

That I will grieve what I miss, but that I will not allow this grief to cause me to miss the point. Grief will be washed away in the end. Which is actually the beginning.

That I will laugh and love in the blessing of the sweet moments. They are gifts. 

That I will remember what I have. Which is a lot. 

That I will not take anything for granted. They are blessings, they are not my right.

That my heart will break for what breaks God's. And that I will take action on this. 

That I will live this next year with renewed strength, a thankful heart, an open mind, and a focus on above. That I will live with great expectation.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you! Thank you for being a big part of year 35.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.

So be truly glad.There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1: 3-7 (NLT)