"My daughter died."
When I say it, it sounds weird. The words come out of my mouth but it's like I'm watching someone else say them. Or maybe I'm speaking a foreign language. My kid died? That can't be right.
It's one of those things that you hear about and thank God it wasn't you: "Did you hear about the Lowell's? They lost their baby. Yeah, she was 38 weeks. A week from being born! Crazy, I know. I feel so bad for them. Can you imagine? Thank God that didn't happen to us."
Sound familiar? I don't blame you. We did the same thing. We were the same way. We would do anything to still be saying that. Before Reese died, we couldn't even watch a TV show that included a child getting a scraped knee, much less dying. Now we have lived it...are living it.
If you're wondering, there is no way to prevent stillbirth for certain. Sometimes, it just happens. In certain cases, there are reasons that you can point to, like a wrapped umbilical cord or an infection, and sometimes there is absolutely no reason at all ... at least that we can determine. Sh** happens, as the say. Reese died for no reason that we know of. But reason or no reason, it was completely out of our control. There is nothing more frustrating.
Now I'm living without her and I'm running for Molly Bears because I have to do something. I need to move forward and I need to give back. I can't ask you to help me in the fight against stillbirth because there is no fight. But I need to know that she didn't die in vain. I need to help other families that find themselves going home with empty arms and no answers because it is a lonely and heartbreaking experience. I need to somehow do something that is bigger than myself. This is my therapy.
Instead of a blog, I suppose I could just ask people to donate money and that would be that. But I'm hoping that maybe along the way, my journey will help others learn about grief, love and compassion ... and most importantly, about healing.
I have a lot in my head right now and this is a place to get it out. Whether you read one, twenty or all of my ramblings, I appreciate your support!